Saturday, July 01, 2006

Losing friends

Have you ever lost a really close friend, through your own choice or theirs?

Once, in eighth grade, my best friend chose to start a fight with the most disliked girl in school (I was the second most disliked, but I did have this one loyal friend). You know, the homely socially backward type (my family was the white trash, drunk of the town type). I objected and didn't speak to my friend for two weeks. Instead of attending a big party she'd planned, I spent the night with this social reject girl. I took a stand.

I had to do something like that this week--the result was jail time for my friend's child. I've done harder things, but not much. I'm sad and afraid because there is a lot of hatred and animosity on the part of her family. I'm disappointed in my friend. And church is going to be pretty hard tomorrow.

We've been friends for 27 years. We've laughed and debated ideas, she's my smartest friend. We've buried children and struggled through terrible things in life. This is yet another terrible time.

She showed me this poem by Carol Lyn Pearson, I don't know the title:

I dim, I dim
I have no doubt
If someone blew,
I would go out.

I did not.
I must be stronger
Than I thought.

I treasure my friends. This is a time of grieving.


Elizabeth-W said...

I'm so sorry. Have you seen this month's Ensign? There's an article that reminded me of your situation. It's about parenting adult children, and it talks about letting people experience consequences of their actions.
My best friend and I broke up somewhere around our junior year of high school. She was making really bad/dangerous choices, and while I wanted to be her friend, she couldn't be around me because when she was, she confronted the decisions she was making, and didn't want to look at it. The good news is that after being estranged for so long, we have reconnected, and are very very close now. Good luck tomorrow at church. If you've been friends that long, maybe there is a way to work around/through it.

Starfoxy said...

I had a horrible break up with a my best friend in 10th grade. She had been telling me lies for years just to see how much she could get me to believe then reported on my reactions to her other real friends. I felt so used and gullible, and sometimes I still hate her.

a. nonny spouse said...

I hope things went okay at church today.

I also had a huge falling out with my best friend as a senior in high school. It took a couple of years, but we're friends again. I don't think we'll ever be incredibly close again, but that may have more to do with distance and my tendency not to return phone calls than anything else.

annegb said...

I havent read June's Ensign carefully yet, but I will.

Church was really hard. Most of the families in our neighborhood have been here for almost 30 years, the other families involved were here before me. I'm the newbie :).

Somebody on the blog said something about becoming a God's love junkie. That's what I'm working on.

I also think it's possible I've misunderstood their position. And I know that time heals a lot of things.

I just take things too hard.

Elizabeth-W said...

It's July's.
Hang in there!!

Anonymous said...

YOU did the right thing, and in the end that's what matters...

Barb said...

You are a great friend. And I am glad to count you as a friend. I used to specialize in being a loner and had people seek me out as a friend. Now, that I am more social but unable to go places for the most part, I am so glad for my online friends. In my area, so many move away and I rather like that. I really don't lack to have long and lasting relationships for the most part. Other than my local friend of many years, most of my friends have been rather transitory. And a lot of people did not understand it when I started "talking out of my head." And I said if that is the type of friends that they are that they could not remember the person I was before the disorder, then I don't really need their friendship after all. It is not like I do not think a lot of them. And I am not a black and white type of thinker. I can still like a person even if they have hurt me. And I can wish them well. But I am so thankful for friends like you who see the good in me even though much of me is broken. :)

Barb said...

I do want to say it is not like anybody said, "you have mental illness so I will rescind my friendship." In fact, they continued to give me rides. It is just that when I was hyper and manic, they did not understand this behavior. And when I had a repettive worry about things, one friend would usually say, "What do you think." If I knew, I would not be asking!!!! And another friend thought I was trying to get attention. They all tried to be nice to me and reach out to me even the guy who would tell me how annoying I was when I would relay ocd fears. So it was me he withdrew because I wanted friends who really liked me and not friends that felt it was a burden to be around me. And ocd is no easy thing to be around. And before I had it, I thought the text in psych 101 about hand was an interesting description of those who seemed to really get satisfaction out of washing hands not knowing the maddening compulsions behind the rituals. And I met a lady one time who had the disorder and it was someone else who really understood. And even with my disorder, I do not always have patience or understanding when it comes to anothers anxiety problems. I probably would have lost all those friends at any rate as they marry or move away and that is the way things go around here.