Peace

So far, knock on wood, lovely peaceful summer.  Our yard is so pretty this year, flowers and trees and birds all over the place.  Bill and I haven't had a knock-down, drag-out for awhile.  A veritable eternity for us.  Our kids are in a relatively good place; things are okay.

I'm horribly busy with work and trying to keep the house and maintain relationships with friends and kids and husband.  Thank God for my Blackberry because that's my main computer these days.  I can blog and chew somebody out while waiting for the dentist!

I know this will pass, this peaceful period.  Because life turns on a dime.  The good news is that inevitable hard time will also pass.  And thank God, as I'm getting older, it passes pretty quickly. 

Today is my oldest child's birthday.  He would be 39---technically speaking, I could be a great-grandmother!  He was the sweetest smartest child I've ever known.  Too good for the likes of me.  James' birthday was July 9---he'd be 37.  His friends all have families, careers, and are so kind to me.  I miss them so.

Which makes the quick passing of time a blessing---I cannot wait to see them again.

This Too Shall Pass

I've been fighting with people on four different fronts of my life and found that it removes the spirit.  I've felt anxiety, unease and despair.  My daughter-in-law, true to form, did something I disapprove of and once again, brought chaos into my life.  I've spent the better part of the last 8 months trying to force her to live according to my standards and it's sapped me emotionally and physically. 

An old friend, who works at the bank, offended me.   Bill and I argued.  The downward spiral continued with an unexpected and vicious attack on facebook from a nephew who's been apparently nursing resentments from his mother's death.  (I don't know why my family thinks I'm the responsible person, my sister got really mad at me when my other sister's daughter died and I didn't call her first---she's not mad at our other sister or anybody else in the family, just me.) 

I used to jump right in on these types of battles, but anymore, they just wear me out.  I defended myself to my nephew; disassociated myself from my daughter-in-law, first attempting to take responsibility for my part in the debacle, made an unsuccessful attempt to reconcile with my granddaughter, who got caught in the crossfire; voiced my objection in the way a bank transaction was handled, but I felt no peace.

Finally, I had a good 10 hour cry and dang, I feel a little better this morning.  But let me tell you, contention is a soul killer.  I'm not at peace, but I'm not in that dark place I was a couple of days ago.

I feel like a failure in life.  All the things that were important to me, the goals I was committed to, have turned out wrong.  I made serving others the focus of my life, but actually, I think it was about controlling others and forcing them to be what I thought they should be.  I've worked for years on this tendency in Al-Anon and have made minimal progress. 

But, increasingly, I'm learning that human contact is the most disagreeable thing I do every day.  So, now I'm making Bill and his ex-wife deal with this daughter-in-law (Bill's already frustrated, but I do not care.  It's their turn).  My nephew, I just have to turn over to God.  My friend at the bank?  Well, lesson learned.  Changing accounts as soon as it's possible. 

The older I get, the less sure I am of anything.  But I have learned that bad times don't last.  Nor good.  Might as well please myself in the meantime. 

Welcome Spring

It's an absolutely beautiful day today.  We've had the coldest spring I can remember (although I remember it snowed once the end of June here in southern Utah).  But today is perfect.  Bill has planted flowers all over the place and our trees are brimming with birds--I saw a butterfly out my kitchen window yesterday!

Bill and I haven't had a screaming ugly fight in oh, months.  He gets the credit more than I because he's changed.  He doesn't yell at me much anymore.  He doesn't get that upset.  I think part of that is because we have separate checkbooks and I pay for my own excesses.  So we don't fight about money.  I've just noticed that when I ask him for money (boy that took a long time, I wasn't going to take anything from him at first!) he just gives it to me. 

Our grandson, Maxwell, is here to help Grandpa plant the garden and they're going fishing this afternoon.  Bill is a much better grandfather than he was a father.  When we first married, he was obsessed with his hobbies and disinterested in the kids to a large extent.  Except to yell at them and make them clean up their spilled milk.  I think, too, he was exhausted, coming from the divorce a few years earlier and having to be a Mr. Mom.  Wouldn't all the single moms in the world have loved a wife like I was at first, adoring, waited on him, trying to please him with my every move?

Boy, that girl is long gone :)! 

I'm wondering now if a lot of what we've gone through the last 5 years, aside from my former best friend's son's conviction for sexual molestion and the devastation that caused, has been the result of an empty nest and my horrible perimenopause.  You know, doctors threw lamictal, lithium, and abilify at me like M&M's and diagnosed me with a lot of major psychotic illnesses.  Which the trip to that clinic in California ruled out.

Girls, before you check yourself into the psych unit, consider estrogen, the wonder drug.

I worked last night and work again today, so I'm taking it slow and easy with Bill (off today) bustling circles around me. 

Long time no see

I haven't been up this late on my computer since I started working customer care for ATT.  That's a year and a half ago.  I don't even know what possessed me.  I think it's because my fellow bloggers at Mormon Mentality have started doing some interesting stuff.  And I'm feeling better.  Vitamin D & estrogen, the wonder drug.

Something somebody wrote at BCC referring to Banner of Heaven has made me wonder about blogging.  They depended on that blog for moral support through a tough time.  I pretty much stopped blogging when I left Bill.  I didn't have it in me.

I'm not wondering if blogging is a tool of the devil, it's made me ponder about the good blogging can do for people.  Tracy's honesty regarding her divorce has given me immense moral support---just that I'm a "normal" person.  Others as well. 

Just thinking about it.

Vitamin D

So I've gone downhill again, weak, achy, etc.  Same old, same old.  This time I went to my dr. and insisted he test me for everything possible.  I want to have some kind of numbers to balance against when I'm REALLY sick and times when I feel pretty good.  Plus I thought I had MS, which it turns out I don't.  But I do have a severe vitamin D deficiency.  I've been studying up on it and it looks like a lot of people are deficient, especially in the winter, and it can cause a lot of things.  Like the symptoms I'm having.  So I'm gulping down the pills and today I don't feel so much pain.  I guess I'm giving up cheetios, 7up & milky ways bars as my primary source of nutrition.

Reality TV

I used to love American Idol, but the last two seasons the candidates have been so mediocre.  This season, the only one I feel good about is Crystal Bowersox.  Which, she does make the show worth watching.

Dancing With The Stars is interesting this time around.  Pam Anderson is a pretty good dang dancer!  But you know, Kate Gosselin, she just totally sucks.  She sucks so bad that I tried to vote for her last week out of pity (forgot I don't have ATT).  This week she sucked even worse and I think she deserves to be slapped really hard.  She has no rhythm, no sense of humor, gag a maggot.  She said she wanted to stay on the show till she learned what she needed to learn and I want to say, "honey, you need to learn to dance!"

Buzz Aldrin, well, that's just sad.  I did wonder how he and his wife got all the money to afford all that really awful plastic surgery.  No aging with grace there.

Snowy Day

Boy, it's a blizzard out here.  I might have to have Bill pick me up from work--don't know if I want to risk driving home at midnight in this weather in my car. 

I have four extra minutes today.  I work and sleep.  In my "spare" time, I try to keep up with the laundry and eat.  Life is going way too fast.

I've decided to treat Bill as if he has dementia, which I think he has.  I'm reminding myself to be very patient with him and treat him like a little old man.  It seems to be effective.  :)

Conversation with Bill

Bill:  "Our dogs are barking at the neighbors' dogs."

Me:  "Will you put our dogs in the house?"

Bill: "But didn't you want this to air dry?"

Me:  Looking at him like he's crazy

He can't hear.  He thought I said something about the dishwasher.

Best Chicken Ever

Take some boneless skinless chicken breasts.  Cut them up however you want for serving.  Dip them in beaten egg and then in ITALIAN (this is important) seasoned bread crumbs and brown them in oil  I prefer regular corn or the dangerous kind of oil, not olive oil, but olive oil works too.

After they're all browned and cooked through, take a cube of butter and melt it in a saucepan, add 1-2 cloves minced garlic, 1 can (1/2 quart jar) cooked tomatoes, 1/2 teaspoon basil, and 1 cup white cooking wine.  I use the cheap kind.

Pour this over the chicken in the frying pan and just simmer it for maybe 15 minutes or however long  you want. At least 15 minutes.

I've served this with potatoes or pasta and you will not believe how good the flavor is.  It looks like a company dinner, but it's so easy and tastes dee-lishus!

Shock of My Life

I told Bill I spent too much money because I'm helping to pay for Rowan to take dance AND I bought 3 new books (I had to, I just had to) and he didn't yell at me.  I'm in treatment for severe shock.

I love TV

I don't even feel guilty about it.  For me, it's one of the great pleasures of life.  My favorite shows this season are (in order of favoritism) 1.  Men of a Certain Age---Ray Romano is really talented!  I thought "Everybody Loves Raymond" was just an extension of his life and personality, but in this other show, he shows his range.  Wonderful show.  I hate when that hour comes to an end.   2.  Modern Family--laugh out loud funny in so many ways.   I think my favorite character is the ditzy dad.  He's kind of me.  3.  The Good Wife---I didn't care for Juliana Marguiles in "ER" but I love her in this show.

I've gotten hooked on "I Survived" and the stories of how people survive being attacked or in wrecks in gullies for days.

And now, American Idol's come around again!  I love Ellen DeGeneres and I'm looking forward to watching the show with her as a judge.  I will miss Simon Cowell, diva that he is, because he has the guts to tell it like it is and some of those people need to hear it like it is.  I'd be harder, sometimes.

And I'm immensely grateful to Direct TV for my DVR because with my schedule, I'd miss all these great shows.  Woo-hoo for TV!

Power of the Priesthood

Got a blessing last night.  Feel better.  I'm a believer. 

Family Medical Leave Act

Thank God for it.  And thank God for God, because I'm sure he inspired me to apply last month for intermittent FMLA.  I'd had to go home a couple of times with vertigo attacks, which cost me points.  Now.  We don't get sick leave.  If we are sick and miss work, we have to go to a dr. and get a note and bring that to avoid points.

o, you miss work, you are out the $80 for that day; AND you have to pay a dr. $50 (+ or -) so you aren't docked "points" which can lead to firing.  You re allowed 11 points before they fire you.  It's really unfair. 

You could throw up on your computer, pass out and have to be carried out in a stretcher, be life-flighted to a major city and still be docked points if you don't have a doctor's note.

Anyway, I was inspired to file for the FMLA deal.  I filed under three illnesses--the vertigo, diverticulitis, AND chronic fatigue/epstein barr/fibromyalgia.  My dr. seemed to be embarrassed for me on the third thing, the epstein barr.  I said, "Doc, I know for many people (including that insult to humanity, Dean Edell)this is equivalent to saying I was abducted by aliens, but there is clinical documentation for this and we both know it.").

It was approved!  All of it.  And, Murphy's Law being what it is, I got sick immediately.  I missed a week of work.  I couldn't think straight, I had terrible vertigo and pain, I was so weak in my hands I kept dropping things.  I'm wondering now if I have MS, which I've long known I was at risk for, because another of my symptoms is my feet have gone to sleep. 

That is all beside the point.  I didn't have to go to a dr. for permission to be sick!  (Although I did, of course, and have an appt with a neurologist next month--I hate neurologists, urologists, and orthopedic surgeons---oh and psychiatrists, too.  they think their butts are made out of gold and I haven't met a one that was a decent human being.  But necessity will force me to go to this woman for whom a smile is unprofessional.  I actually wrote her a letter years ago about this, but I've heard she didn't take it to heart and is still cold as hell).    No points for me!  No questions asked. 

And that is from God, because this can't be coincidental.  Family. Medical. Leave. Act.  Remember those words.  It's the law. 

Grateful because.....

I had a bit of energy today and....I've colored my eyebrows!  woo-hoo!  This has been a problematic issue for me because I only do it when I get my hair colored, which I can only afford every other month and my eyebrows are growing in white and the color doesn't last that long.  Now, I can do it myself.  I will look like 50 instead of 70.  I might even try coloring my regrowth myself.  But I'm pretty sure my BFF hairdresser Amy would kill me if I botched it.  She's barely speaking to me after I cut chunks that were sticking out last time because I delayed the haircut.

Also, the dog is bouncing off the walls.  I saved that dog's life.  The vitamin K made him throw up and we were tempting him with chamomille tea, chicken noodle soup, soft scrambled eggs, he got spoiled, actually.  But he counldn't keep it down.  I had the thought it was the vitamin and we took it off him, and off food for most of day, then began giving him soda crackers, which he nibbled gingerly.  And kept down. 

Life is good.

Counting Blessings

I'm making an effort, not a resolution, to be more positive this year.  Since I'm apparently not dying, I must find a way to choose life.   This is a small step.

We had a lovely Christmas and the tree's put away, thank heaven.  The living room looks so much larger!

1.  I applied for, and received an approval of, FMLA at my job.  Which will permit me to take time off when I'm sich without penalty.  The fact that it was approved on the basis of chronic fatigue, among other illnesses, is a small miracle in itself. 

2.  I love my job!  And as of this minute, I'm still employed.  Although still not the best at it, technically, I would bet most of my customers would say I'm the best agent they dealt with.

3.  My husband is looking better and better to me all the time.  Perhaps I'm coming out of my midlife crisis, menopause, empty nest meltdown.  A bit.  We are both working on giving to each other and finding those times when it's just us at home a peaceful joy.  We're bending.  He doesn't nag as much about my ever-present clutter; I allow him to fuss.  He brings me the paper every morning; I acknowledge and provide for, to the best of my ability, his need for meat and potatoes, every single meal!

4.  My dog is alive.  After he ate a whole box of D Con, which was kept under the sink, behind the garbage can, surrounded by a large fire extinguisher and gallon jugs of distilled water, which had a child-proof lock!  D Con must smell really really good.  I was home sick from work or he'd be dead.  And I got up at just the moment he finished the box.  He looked so guilty because he knows he's not supposed to get in the garbage.  I now know what it's like to be a vet, on a limited basis, because I, at the vet's orders, poured hydrogen peroxide down that dog's throat with a syringe and made him throw up the poison into the bathtub.  I was throwing up myself.  Sitting there in my nightgown, Bill gone to a scout meeting, making my Jack Russell puppy throw up.   He's traumatized (he's the only quiet, frail, sensitive Jack Russell on the planet) and sickly and looks at me with those huge sad brown eyes, but he's alive.  That was a grace of God thing.

Bill so loves that sweet little dog, it would have broken his heart---and mine---if he'd died.  So now we're leaving soda pop and dried potatoes on the counter for the mice, per searching the internet for alternatives.   How the hell he got that D Con just blows our minds. 

And that's the good news for today.