Friday, July 17, 2009

Finding Myself, not poaching Seraphine

Seraphine on Zelophehad's Daughters wrote a wonderful post about finding herself that expressed so much of my struggle the last few years---I think this is the link, I can't figure out how to do that anymore.

I get people mixed up all the time and thought she was an older woman I'd corresponded with but you know, the sentiments are much the same.

I believe my dark night of the soul came from many sources including my unhappiness in my marriage, my health problems exacerbated by menopause, midlife and depression crashing in, as well as the terrible problems in my ward and neighborhood. I also believe I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

I told Cathy & Bridgette (sorry if I misspelled it hon) that I wish I was dead every day. And that's true. I honestly wish all the time I'd succeeded in my suicide attempt. I just think about all the screwups since then and think "I could have avoided that...or that...or that."

I read something the other day in the Book of Mormon, I think about people who get discouraged and "curse God and wish to die" and boy did that hit me. I also read something about people who are more afraid of life than death. And that also hit me. Because truly I am. I'm ashamed of that but cannot find enough shame to change my mind.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or sick or discouraged, probably a combination of all three; but I struggle every single day.

However, I'm getting better. I can feel it. I do not feel that awful blackness I used to feel. Healthwise, I totally struggle and probably always will, but I feel half decent more often than not nowadays.

Sometimes I see glimpses of my old self. Sometimes I have hope. Sometimes I look at Bill and delight in him and his goodness and don't think of all the awful times and feel hatred.

Sometimes I feel hope that we aren't such a failed family after all. Sometimes I get enthusiastic...about music or blogging or a new book or a project.

I believe intellectually that God is going to bless me if I can endure, if I can hold on, if only by my fingernails. And sometimes I feel like I'm finding myself.

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