Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Nicolas is getting re-married

Yesterday, it came in the mail. I've been expecting it, I couldn't quite remember the date of the wedding, but I knew it was soon. I ran into Nick's dad yesterday at the grocery store and he said it was in a couple of weeks. I thought maybe Nick had decided not to invite us and I didn't blame him, his fiance's feelings are paramount right now. I urged Sarah not to attend the open house. Nick's bride is a beautiful girl and I didn't think anything should take away from her day, especially not Nick's beautiful ex-wife coming.

I'm not sure that's the right thing, but if it's wrong, it will do less damage than the reverse.

Bill handed me the mail and I immediately spotted the envelope (isn't it funny how I ran into his dad the day I got the invite). I opened it, studied it, and put it on my desk. I didn't say anything to Bill about it. I felt so incredibly sad. I studied the picture, trying to figure out---let's call her Jennifer--her personality. Would she be steady and loyal, as Sarah was not? Does she adore him? Looks like it. There's a lot to adore about Nick.

He looks relaxed and happy.

Oh, how I will miss him!

I will regret to the day I die the unhappiness our family brought into his life. I think if we hadn't pushed for the marriage, it wouldn't have happened and his heart wouldn't have been broken.

Jennifer looks like Sarah's polar opposite. She is blond and blue-eyed, to Sarah's dark hair and green eyes. She and Nick seem to fit together.

She's strong, I think, also. Strong enough to accompany Nick to our home when Sarah wigged out because a former boyfriend (who'd treated her very shabbily)--a guy she dated when she left Nick, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Sarah, true to her emotional high-strung nature, called on Nick for comfort. He came to our house, with Jennifer, and went down to Sarah's room to talk to her and calm her, leaving Jennifer in the front room with Bill, who was utterly confused.

Bill was totally won over and impressed by Jennifer, her calm demeanor and kindness. Now that Nick and Sarah are divorced, I think Bill can see more clearly how ditzy Sarah is, her flaws. That's not an awful thing, since he mostly sided with her against me when I got irritated and called on her to grow up. He called me mean and insensitive.

All that aside, I was in favor of the divorce. I believe----and I still believe----that the marriage was headed for disaster. Sarah needs a strong hand, someone kind and gentle, yes, but someone who will take care of her and set strong boundaries. Both she and Nick needed caretakers. I think they both tried, but they were going against their natures and sooner or later, the marriage would have ended. Thank God it ended sooner and with no children added to the mix.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt there was a girl out there for Nick who would make him happy without the baggage of emotional ups and downs. I knew it and I promised him over and over. I knew the pain he was feeling would end. And it looks like it has.

How I will miss him!

I recall a time, in the beginning, when I jokingly said, "If you and Nick ever split up, I get Nick." Sarah was terribly upset by that and at the time I was joking. She's my darling girl and I'll stick with her always. But Nick is smart and sweet and funny and I enjoyed him immensely.

But, come October 25, Bill and I will go to Nick's parents' home and hug him and Jennifer and tell them how happy we are and wish them the best and give them money to help out their new start and behave in a classy and generous manner. It won't be easy, we'll have to swallow our pride and risk feeling outsiders, as surely we will be.

And Sarah will stay home and cry. Hard day for everyone.


Anonymous said...

Thanks, Anne. It's uncanny, this sounds almost exactly like my narrative (i was the Nick character). I'm happily remarried a few years later, but the pain of the divorce never really goes away. Even though it was probably the right thing to do.

Bookslinger said...

Life is a soap opera. Even more so.

Anonymous said...

Dear Princess Butt-gold:

Your loss.

annegb said...

anonymous, thank you for sharing. Do you wonder if your wife ever feels second best? Julie, my husband's former wife, left him for another man (that relationship ended and I guess we could say she left him for a lot of other men) and it broke his heart. He kept the children, aged 2 and 4, and worked his tail off being Mr. Mom, until I came along.

I think it took him about five years to fall out of love with her and in love with me. She was my superior in many, many ways and it's nagged at me all these years.

Nicolas is a wonderful person, but he wasn't a perfect husband and he and Sarah were terribly unsuited for one another. Sarah didn't cheat on him and she left him with her own heart broken because she still loved him. She just didn't want to live her life worrying about where their next dollar would come. The funny thing is that after she left, Nick started to step up in that area and I think Stephanie is good for him in that way. She knows how to motivate him.

Plus she's into home birth, home schooling, and that herbal type of lifestyle that was always a bone of contention between Nick and Sarah. They want the same things.

bookslinger, it's easy to mock when you are on the outside looking in. Using your terms, everything in life is a soap opera. I loved being alone the last six months and not having the constant daily emotional interactions with the multitudes of people I'm related to and love. I miss it. But that's not real life. Maybe I could change your words a bit and say, "real life is a soap opera." No getting around it.

Anonymous (the second :), nobody knows that better than she, but referring to what I wrote above, she also showed tremendous courage in leaving a relationship that was clearly unhealthy for both of them.

She made some really bad choices after the divorce, but she has repented, stood up before her priesthood leaders and honestly admitted everything she'd done and she has turned her life around.

She's experienced extreme pain in the last couple of years and while you might rejoice that Princess Buttgold has been brought down a peg, I rejoice that she has been humble enough to recognize where she screwed up and honest enough to take responsibility for it.

She and Nicolas are still very good friends and Stephanie has been big hearted enough to allow Sarah to include her in that circle. Life isn't black and white and those who put aside grudges are all the better for it.

Going back to my first question to anonymous, I didn't hold anything against Julie. She and I were very close as we raised those kids and I always insisted the kids honor their mother as I honored her as well. That feeling of second best, I'll probably never shake.

Bookslinger said...

Annegb, second choice doesn't mean second best. And if Bill didn't know you when he married his previous wife, then it would be unfair (to yourself) to consider yourself second best or second choice.

If I get married at this stage in life, it's as likely to be to a divorcee as to someone who has never been married. Only if I married a widow might there be a chance I'd consider myself second choice or second best.

By the way, I did not intend "life is a soap opera" to be mocking. I'm sorry it came out that way. I'm not always aware of possible implications of my word choices.

annegb said...

Oh, hell, self pity is so unattractive. I sure do cry in my beer a lot.

Bookslinger, as well as you can know anybody on line, you (and some of the other old timers) know me and boy, my life is a soap opera if there ever was one.

The heartache that I feel the deepest is from the hurts I've caused others. If only I'd stayed out of things in the beginning, this debacle might not have happened. Nicolas is the best, just a great guy, and I'm so sad that our family hurt him (I know I've already said that).

One problem I have is taking ALL the responsibility. Nick's family hurt Sarah terribly as well, in rejecting her because she didn't believe in home birth. They never accepted her as part of them. Well, not "they"--Nick's brothers loved her and his dad was nice, but his mother loathed Sarah. Well, she's a midwife and performs home births and Sarah rejected what she was about.

Nick hurt Sarah as well--he betrayed her in other ways, not the least was supporting her. I believe they would have been fine, but in Sarah's eyes, he never measured up to her dad, who is such a hard worker. Like I've said, I'd give anything for Bill to lazy up a bit.

Second best--second choice---that's in me. There is still in me that little girl with the shabby dress and holey shoes and uncombed hair with cooties.

And again, ain't I the best when it comes to self pity LOL?

I was thinking, I'm so dramatic, Sarah probably won't stay home and cry, she'll probably have a date. She's dating lots of worthy returned missionaries these days and keeping her nose clean. I know she likes Stephanie and there's probably some relief that Nick has found such a wonderful girl and is so happy.

Bill wouldn't let me meet Julie before we got married, I don't know why, it was some kind of power trip between them, I think. I'd pictured her as beautiful and classy and smart and all that.

When I finally met her, I was so surprised. She brought me flowers and cried and hugged me. She was also fairly fat and not nearly as cute as me and she looked a lot older. I still don't understand why it took Bill so long to get over her when he had me at home adoring him and trying to fulfill his every command. That's men for ya!

Carlos said...

I'm not following here, did you have kids from your first marriage?
And Sarah yours or Bill's 2 & 4 year old when u met him?? just curious, can't help myself!