Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I think I'm crazy

Because I've been having nightmares and yelling in the middle of the night. I remember yelling, sometimes, but never the dreams. I usually sleep in the other bedroom, with the fan on, because of my work. Bill hears me, he says, so I must be yelling pretty loud because not only is the fan on, the door is shut and he sleeps with a breathing machine and with his hearing aid off.

My doctor has moved to northern Utah to oversee the state hospital, but I think I probably should see someone. I feel pretty depressed.

I am at the stage in my life where being crazy isn't cool or interesting---I'm over Oprah's "I was abused as a child and I'm nuts" shows. I'm over feeling unique because I'm crazier than other people.

And I feel a bit lost.

Last night, I yelled in my sleep and woke myself up. This morning, Bill casually mentioned it, as if I'd stubbed my toe or something. I just said calmly, "yeah, I don't know why." And, "Have a nice day" as he left for work.

Which goes to show a person can go crazy and act completely sane.

4 comments:

cathycan said...

You are not "crazy". But when your unresolved crap(for lack of a better clinical word)makes you scream in the night , you do need to get help.
find someone to talk to!

lifeinredshoes said...

I like to think of my shaky sanity as quirky. I do however know how you feel, Not Right In The Head. Find that new Dr...and keep writing.

Bookslinger said...

Don't blame it all on yourself. It sounds like Bill has some abusive traits himself. So working this out is not entirely on your shoulders. He's got some changing to do too.

I see this a lot. Victims of abuse end up marrying people with abusive tendencies. Abusers end up marrying people who've been abused before.

Some abusers learn it from their parents, and are abusers from the get-go. Sometimes victims of their parents' abuse turn into abusers when they reach adulthood or marry.

It's like people are programmed during their childhood, and then spend their adulthood replaying the same things over and over like a recording-loop, becoming "perpetual victims" and "perpetual abusers."

You two need to get off the merry-go-round. BOTH of you. Don't lay this entirely on yourself. Don't blame yourself for not having the skills/abilities to "deal with" Bill's problems/abuse.

He has the greater responsibility to stop being abusive/domineering than you do in putting up with or forgiving his abuse/dominion thing.

Carlos said...

ca"so I must be yelling pretty loud because not only is the fan on, the door is shut and he sleeps with a breathing machine and with his hearing aid off."

classic annegb writing. love it.