Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Church

I've been to church exactly five times since uh, March 10th or something like that. I haven't been to Relief Society or Sunday School, just sacrament the five times. Three times were at my new ward in Parowan, which is a lovely, lovely ward. Twice were with Bill at my "old" ward in Enoch. The first time was scary and awkward and embarrassing. I got lots of hugs and people were nice to me, but still, I didn't really want to be there. I was humoring Bill.

Same with last week. I've been back home for six weeks now and finally felt okay on a Sunday morning, enough to go through the shower and hair ritual and drag myself to church.

I wasn't glad about it. I felt defiant and rebellious. I kept thinking, to all those kind loving faces, "yeah, I'm here, but I'm not enjoying it. It's not where I want to be." Again, I was overwhelmed with love and hugs and welcome backs. The husband of my former best friend almost tripped over himself to come over and grab my arm and tell me, with tears in his eyes, "It's good to see you!" What kind of bitch am I not to let that kind of love in? A pretty big one, I suppose.

I felt people were watching us, our body language. A single friend sat on the other side of us, by Bill and asked me how I was. I knew, because people had told me, that she'd said she'd be glad to take Bill off my hands if I didn't want him. I was nice, but we're no longer friends, as far as I'm concerned.

The spirit. Did I feel it? Sort of. I can't remember the opening song, but the sacrament hymn was "I Stand All Amazed" which of course if my favorite hymn, or one of :). The closing hymn was "God Be With You Till We Meet Again." We sang that at James' funeral. I took the sacrament with the words of the prayer in my head as well as the words of Christ, which I'm currently studying in the New Testament. He's been with me the last six months. Well, probably forever, but I have felt the Lord's strength carrying me so many times, truly the footprints in the sand.

One thing I did while I was away was to turn my day over to God, truly, because I knew I was too weak emotionally to carry myself. And He did, every time. He blessed me in countless ways. But since I've been home, I've found it harder to find that quiet time for deep meditation and prayer, to open that conduit to heaven. I've found that puzzling and upsetting. Because the priesthood's here and Bill honors his priesthood. The spirit should be here. Am I too busy now? I don't know.

I'm off work again next Sunday and am thinking of changing jobs to one where I'll have Sundays off. Perhaps attending will become more comfortable as I am more consistent and my attitude will change.

I know this: I've learned how others feel who have been in my position and I regret my insensitivity, even to my own child. I didn't know, I just didn't know how it felt and I thought I had all the answers. I hope I'll be kinder in the future.

4 comments:

Bookslinger said...

Hang in there. It gets easier. I came back after 15 years of inactivity and name-removal, and they let me back in.

Besides, prodigals get some nice attention when they come back (tho' I don't know if that's good or bad for you.) But after a while, they'll put you back to work. And you'll feel a desire to "pull your fair share of the load" anyway.

I still remember when you said that if you don't want important callings, just occasionally use a few swear words around the Bishop or Stake president.

annegb said...

I'm heartened, but burdened by all the people who love me. A couple of days ago I was at the hospital having some tests and the girl who checked me in, the daughter of an old friend said, "My mom has been talking about you and saying she's got to see how you're doing."

My reply: "Tell her if she's my true friend, she'll leave me alone. I don't want to see or talk to anybody. Tell her I know she loves me and I know she knows I love her. Tell her I'll leave her alone, too."

She laughed, but I meant it.

Marta said...

I'll leave you alone, too, except for an occasional email which you may ignore. I promise not to show up at your door without calling.

annegb said...

You are a true friend :). However, since you're one of the few people I could stand to be around (and I loved your visit, it fed my soul, but you know that), you get free come and go. There's only about four of those people LOL.