Just Another Working Day

I've only been to church four times since March 16. Most of those Sundays, I've worked, usually from 1-11 pm. I work a couple of extra hours because I'm in charge of the Arts & Crafts program at the school. (I'm not crafty, but I'm organized).

I'm now the inactive woman in my ward. It's been kind of nice not to have the phone ring with requests and notices of meetings.

I still pay my tithing and study the scriptures and read the Ensign and abstain from alcohol. I just don't go to church. I don't keep the Sabbath sacred, which bothers me, but I haven't entirely left the fold.

On the other hand, my life is more peaceful and I feel more spiritual overall.

I think I'll stay inactive when I move back home.

Middle aged Mormon women running away from home in droves

I'm puttering around slowly organizing things to pack up for the move back home. One of the girls at the school is getting ready to graduate and go home and she's so nervous about it. I can relate to her. What if it doesn't work out?
Since I left Bill in March, many of my friends (and some perfect strangers) are telling me of their envy. Not the men---the women.
I'm coming to the opinion that the middle aged Mormon woman is tired. We've raised our kids, tried to follow the prophet and support our husbands and now we're bone dog tired.
So many friends have said they envy me in this quiet little trailer. So many have voiced their dissatisfaction with their marriage and their lives. Many, like me, are having rebellious thoughts about the devotion to church and family which seems to have sapped them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.
Leaving Bill, getting set up here, getting this scary, scary job and going out into the world alone, is one of the bravest things I've ever done. Going back to him will probably top that in demanding even greater courage on my part.
I have no answers. I'm leaning on the Lord, one day at a time, and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

Friday, August 29 um, life in the fast lane

I decided to write this as truly a journal of sorts. So, I will provide background.

So, Bill and I got in another big fight and I left and moved to a little cottage in an RV trailer park in Parowan. My cottage (aka glorified trailer) and the park are very clean and well kept. The park is quiet. I have no neighbors on either side and just got a few across the "street." Two quiet old guys in camp trailers.

As I said in my previous post, I'm working at a private girls' school which is a totally new experience out of my comfort zone big time!! But I love it and enjoy the challenge and maybe someday I'll write about it at length. I'm learning so much about life and people (they really do lie) and myself and what makes me tick.

My little sister died suddenly of MRSA a month after I left Bill and that blew me away. I still can't believe she's gone and I can't feel her spirit and a part of me died with her. Not many people can relate to how close I was to my sisters. I did my best to take care of them when I was a child and I love them so much. Only my children and Bill are more important to me.

I started out working five days a week; now I'm down to 3 1/2. Which is nice.

My day at work begins at 3 pm. On weekdays, I get an hour to clock in, get a radio (we have to have one, although some are broken and there's always a rush to get a radio) and go to each unit and check out what I might be dealing with that day---an upset girl or a sprained ankle, that sort of thing.

On a quiet day, we get the girls through study hall and tuck them in. I love that time of day when they're all showered and safely in bed. I used to love it when my kids were safely in bed, also.

I get off at 11 pm, go home and watch TV, eat a snack and wind down. My days off are usually spent in "Bill's house" doing laundry, shopping, and hopefully winding down.

I spend much of my time alone, which I love.

The thing I've realized is that I am a solitary person. I've forced myself to be artificially involved with tons of people because I felt they needed me---perhaps they did. But I'm learning I must feed my own soul first.

So, when I move back, and I'm planning to on September 10, I intend to stay in this mode. Quiet, alone, focusing on myself and my relationship with God and putting first things first. That would be my health--physical and emotional and spiritual---and my marriage and my family. Really, that's a lot.

Today, I'm doing the dishes (aka doing what's in front of me) (I don't have any clean ones LOL), making my bed, blogging, and visiting my mother. Then I'll go to work, which provides endless variety and opportunities for stress. It's different stress, though, stress I can leave behind.

This is skeewampus. Hopefully, it'll smooth out as I go along. My main goal is to write about mid-life crises, menopause, empty nest, and accompany mental illness and marital problems. For those women who might be experiencing the same thing. God bless us, every one.

Life today AKA "Anne's Midlife Crisis"

This isn't for comments. I've blogged about my new life on Mormon Mentality, but have tried (for me LOL) not to get too personal due to the nature and purpose of that blog.

I need an outlet, though and I wonder if there are other women out there experiencing the same thing.

I always rise early, habit, maybe. I hate it, I wish I could sleep till noon. I work at a school for troubled girls---I don't know the PC phrase. It's called an academy and it's an accredited high school with four/five teachers and a principal, a computer lab, a pretty good library, etc. It's a home where we practice behavior modification in the form of firmness, consistency, structure, etc. Basically, I think we do what parents of troubled (think drugs, that sort of stuff, not homocidal maniacs) teens would do if they had the stamina and/or the money.

The girls are never, never unsupervised and we are pretty strict, although not mean. No one is abused here, although you forget their snack and they willl scream bloody murder.

I'm prohibited from writing about individual girls because I signed a confidentiality agreement, but maybe I'll write about the experience later.

Back to my day: I rise early, although it's perfectly quiet around here. Trailers on both sides of me and across from me are vacant, except when their owners pop in and out for an occasional visit. I can hear birds and traffic---we're near the freeway. I stumble out and get the paper, drink a cup of herbal tea and take my morning medications. Slowly I wake up.

I live a bachelor life. Sometimes I eat a frozen waffle, sometimes an Klondike bar, sometimes nothing. Once in awhile, I make bacon and eggs for breakfast. I seem to feel better those days. Wonder why, LOL.

Sometimes I eat nothing until dinner at the school, which is pretty much institution food and usually grosses me out. I've gotten onto these cherry chocolate candy bars that we called "Cherry-A-Let" when I was a kid. I need that belly fat drug now.

I run the dishwasher about once a week, go to the laundromat once a week, or wash at what everyone calls "Bill's house" now.

I can hardly believe things have happened like this so quickly. I suppose readers have said, "could've predicted that." I know friends and neighbors are alternately stunned or well, not stunned. Widows, divorcees, and single friends are coming out of the woodwork. People look at me a bit strangely at the grocery store, some saying, "how you doing? It's good to see you!" others hintingly asking questions, to which I, uncustomarily reticent, dodge the issue they want to hear about most. A really cool friend the other day said, "Arlene, how are you? Somebody said you and Bill are divorced---is that true?" I appreciated and respected her honesty and because I know her well, didn't attribute her questions to nosiness.

I'm moving back in with Bill in a few weeks, terrified, unsure of anything. I feel I have to give it a try and I must live with him to see if I CAN live with him.

One aspect of this life I think I'll keep it my hermit-ism. If that's a word. I think I'll be anonymous for awhile longer.