Saturday, November 17, 2007

Just start planning my funeral now

Well, I've alluded to my suicide attempt last year and it was awful in a million ways and I almost died and you guys would have missed me so much, I know. And I'm sort of sorry, although sometimes I think of the term "failed suicide attempt" and "failed" is the operative word. I know this is crazy, but I feel like a failure at suicide because at the last minute, I apparently changed my mind and got up. I collapsed and woke Bill up (I was sleeping the other room because we'd had a terrible fight and it was all his fault, as you can imagine)when I fell and he came in and somehow got me to the hospital. By the time I got to the hospital I wasn't breathing and it was hairy for everybody, except me, because I was blissfully unconscious. And I think they gave me versed because I don't remember a thing after laying down in bed, wondering if God would be so mad at me He wouldn't let me see my children.
I can see how guys succeed more because they use means that prohibit the changing of the mind. Although I found out first hand what a drug overdose can do to one's system. Hell, I could hardly walk for a month and I surely deserved it. I'm not complaining. Although I've thought more than once after I've done something I regret "if I'd died in July, I wouldn't have done this bad thing" or "I wouldn't have hurt this person" or "Bill would be getting over it by now and he'd have less stress in his life from his crazy wife and the house would always be clean and he'd have more money because I'm insured plus I wouldn't be spending all his money."
Well. You can see how irrational the thought processes of the truly depressed can get. Bill and I have reached a new place of commitment and closeness in our relationship, not because of what happened, but because I had to get concrete help to stay out the state hospital (you better believe I would have blogged about that experience) and I'm in a better frame of mind and body.
Well. Until Bill finds out (which I'm going to try to make sure he doesn't) that I spent a veritable fortune yesterday. I didn't mean to. I was just sort of wandering after a solid week at home resting and taking care of things here. And I wandered into the depot mall, a craft consignment store that has the cutest stuff and bought some cute stuff for the holidays (we're having tons of company) and then I wandered into Wal-Mart, where I bought this buffet thing and a small wood pantry that Bill will have to put together. Me and two girls and a guy put them into the backseat of my car. They're not gaudy or expensive---I always go for cheap stuff, but they're the perfect size for what I needed for my kitchen.
Well. That isn't the bad part. As I was wandering, it was a free day, I wandered into this new cloths store in town called Bealls. And fell in love. Because they have cute clothes, better than Wal-Mart, a little more expensive, but quality clothes. And here's the good part---they have petite!
If I told you how much I weighed, I'd have to hunt you down and kill you because nobody knows that, only the doctors nurse. Not the doctor, we are so not having that discussion. But my waist is about 35 " and my inseam is 31" on a good day. It's really hard to find pants that fit. But I tried on two really cute pairs of levis and they fit. Perfectly! And I don't look fat in them, either. Plus they were marked down from $40 to $28.
And cute jackets and suit pants that fit.
Well, I got carried away and then someone didn't show up to work and they only had two people in the whole store and long lines of people and I just kept buying more stuff.
My psychiatrist keeps asking about my spending, which isn't all that bad, usually. I don't go buy thousands of dollars of stuff or anything like that. I'm not even a clothes horse type of girl. Oh, maybe I should change that. I didn't used to be a clothes horse type of girl.
But I'm pretty sure I'm a dead man when Bill finds out. IF he finds out. You guys, keep your mouth shut. Or start practicing "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" which all my friends will be singing at my funeral. Except my friend, Cathy, who will be playing the flute. It will be a nice and entertaining funeral.


Ann said...

Do you still have the receipts? Take it all back.

Just because you bought it in a moment of not thinking clearly doesn't mean you have to keep it. Pick one or two things that you can't live without and then take all the clothes back.

You can do this.

annegb said...

Well, it's not as bad as that. I bought Bill some stuff for Christmas and a gift for another relative.

But I needed those jeans. I needed that girdle and those cute chemises that cover me up like no others.

Honestly, I've looked in vain for these outfits and haven't been able to find ones that fit me.

That being said, I'm returning a really cute suit that I didn't try on because I was too tired and it turned out not to be petite and a nightgown that doesn't fit.

This is what I'm keeping: three pairs of pants, panty hose, two chemises, and a couple pair of earrings. Well, also the girdles.

My shopping was completely unplanned in the way that I was just checking out the store, but completely planned in another way that I've looked for these clothes for forever. Really.

The suit, though, was expensive. And luckily, it doesn't fit :)

Why are you never home when I call you?

Brian D. said...

You sound just like my wife when it comes to shopping and spending money. I regularly remind her about the budget and she regularly reminds me that she is not good at sticking to a budget. :-)

annegb said...

Okay, God works in mysterious ways. Bill came home and told me he'd spent a bundle ordering clothes from Cabela's.

Bill loves good clothes so he's more patient when I spend money on clothes.

So his clothes will be his Christmas and my clothes will be mine.

He gets really mad when I spend a lot of money on the grandkids or give money to the kids, but if they ask him, he always gives it to them.

Brian, I do spend more than Bill, but you know, women spend money on the house and the family. Men spend money on themselves. And I know Bill is going to appreciate the deal I bought for the kitchen because we have so little storage.

And it's all good. We do pay our tithing. That's probably the deal.

Ann, that's exactly what true friend would say. My friends always try to stop me from buying all the books. I can't turn my back on a book.

Barb said...

Annegb, I never knew how scary and close a call you had last year.

It sounds like all is well with the clothes so you are in the clear. Good jeans that fit you to a "t" are hard to come by in this world.

Ann said...

Awesome. That's great about the suit (that it's expensive, and doesn't fit. Yay!)

We have a very structured budget, but it has a little slack in it. We are currently very focussed on getting out of debt (2 years unemployment + never missing a payment = borrowing from peter to pay paul + massive CC debt). We do have clothing and Christmas budgets, and we mostly stick to them.

You are probably the person who showed up as unknown caller on my caller ID. We went to Sam's. Grocery shopping, and a new network cable.

Floyd the Wonderdog said...

Annegb, don't go. You don't know how much you helped me with your kind words after my son died and my ward was being so unChristian.

My wife has diffuculty finding clothes that fit properly. So if she does find soemthing that fits well, I'm just about as excited as she is. She got these dress slacks last month that make her butt look fantastic. I've got 3 kids in college, but I understand that it is important that my wife look good too.

BiV said...

annegb, I love you and I miss you all the time when you leave for short periods. So don'tyoudare go away forever, the blog world will be infinitely poorer for it.

And I think you should keep the things that you look nice in and that make you happy.

And maybe you should take a picture of your butt in the jeans and post it!

annegb said...

And girdles are different than they used to be. I wore a girdle when I was a senior in high school, how stupid was I to think I needed one? I'd love to have that body back.

That suit is just beautiful, Ann, you would just die if you saw it. It's sort of a soft green with browns and golds and the jacket has a mandarin color and a really nice fit. If I go to return it and they have one in petites, I'm probably screwed. I will have to have it. I need a nice pantsuit that I can wear to parties, etc.

I've learned that if I buy something that looks really good on me, Bill won't say a word. He gets good clothes. He just doesn't get that I think the grandchildren need their own battery operated Porsche.

Floyd, I'm sorry. I've been apologizing ever since and I feel cruddy especially when I talk to friends like you about it because you've been there. But don't you ever miss your son so badly? That's sort of how I feel all the time. God told me once (you know, that revelation thing)"Arlene, I could take you, but I know you. You'd be over here for an hour, see everybody you miss, then you'd miss the people on the other side and you'd nag me to death about that."

I was really sad, though.

BIV, I had no idea you were in the middle east. I really want to take some time and get caught on your experience. Are you scared at all? Well, you probably talk about it, I'll check in on your blog.

M&M said...

annegb, I am cheap as all get out, but to hear that you found clothes that you haven't been able to find that you feel good in...that seems like not so bad.

I'm so glad you are still here, by the way. You are loved. Don't ever doubt that. It's one of the things about the bloggernacle that never ceases to amaze me. We are strangers, but not really. We know each other enough to really love each other. And if there is anyone in the 'nacle who is loved, it's you.!!! Seriously.

BiV said...

annegb if you want to interview me we can email--I'm at
clbruno at hotmail

Floyd the Wonderdog said...

Annegb, in response to your question, I miss my son all the time. It's hard on my wife when mothers whose sons are on missions complain that they only get to talk with them on Mother's Day and Christmas. My son's on a mission too, but he can't write or call home except under special circumstances.

On the flip side (a phrase that means nothing to kids these days), my wife and I are an amazing HT team for those who are going through grief or depression. Looks like we've developed a personal mission.

BTW, my wife went shopping on Black Friday and found another pair of pants that fit her perfectly.