This Too Shall Pass

I've been fighting with people on four different fronts of my life and found that it removes the spirit.  I've felt anxiety, unease and despair.  My daughter-in-law, true to form, did something I disapprove of and once again, brought chaos into my life.  I've spent the better part of the last 8 months trying to force her to live according to my standards and it's sapped me emotionally and physically. 

An old friend, who works at the bank, offended me.   Bill and I argued.  The downward spiral continued with an unexpected and vicious attack on facebook from a nephew who's been apparently nursing resentments from his mother's death.  (I don't know why my family thinks I'm the responsible person, my sister got really mad at me when my other sister's daughter died and I didn't call her first---she's not mad at our other sister or anybody else in the family, just me.) 

I used to jump right in on these types of battles, but anymore, they just wear me out.  I defended myself to my nephew; disassociated myself from my daughter-in-law, first attempting to take responsibility for my part in the debacle, made an unsuccessful attempt to reconcile with my granddaughter, who got caught in the crossfire; voiced my objection in the way a bank transaction was handled, but I felt no peace.

Finally, I had a good 10 hour cry and dang, I feel a little better this morning.  But let me tell you, contention is a soul killer.  I'm not at peace, but I'm not in that dark place I was a couple of days ago.

I feel like a failure in life.  All the things that were important to me, the goals I was committed to, have turned out wrong.  I made serving others the focus of my life, but actually, I think it was about controlling others and forcing them to be what I thought they should be.  I've worked for years on this tendency in Al-Anon and have made minimal progress. 

But, increasingly, I'm learning that human contact is the most disagreeable thing I do every day.  So, now I'm making Bill and his ex-wife deal with this daughter-in-law (Bill's already frustrated, but I do not care.  It's their turn).  My nephew, I just have to turn over to God.  My friend at the bank?  Well, lesson learned.  Changing accounts as soon as it's possible. 

The older I get, the less sure I am of anything.  But I have learned that bad times don't last.  Nor good.  Might as well please myself in the meantime. 

Welcome Spring

It's an absolutely beautiful day today.  We've had the coldest spring I can remember (although I remember it snowed once the end of June here in southern Utah).  But today is perfect.  Bill has planted flowers all over the place and our trees are brimming with birds--I saw a butterfly out my kitchen window yesterday!

Bill and I haven't had a screaming ugly fight in oh, months.  He gets the credit more than I because he's changed.  He doesn't yell at me much anymore.  He doesn't get that upset.  I think part of that is because we have separate checkbooks and I pay for my own excesses.  So we don't fight about money.  I've just noticed that when I ask him for money (boy that took a long time, I wasn't going to take anything from him at first!) he just gives it to me. 

Our grandson, Maxwell, is here to help Grandpa plant the garden and they're going fishing this afternoon.  Bill is a much better grandfather than he was a father.  When we first married, he was obsessed with his hobbies and disinterested in the kids to a large extent.  Except to yell at them and make them clean up their spilled milk.  I think, too, he was exhausted, coming from the divorce a few years earlier and having to be a Mr. Mom.  Wouldn't all the single moms in the world have loved a wife like I was at first, adoring, waited on him, trying to please him with my every move?

Boy, that girl is long gone :)! 

I'm wondering now if a lot of what we've gone through the last 5 years, aside from my former best friend's son's conviction for sexual molestion and the devastation that caused, has been the result of an empty nest and my horrible perimenopause.  You know, doctors threw lamictal, lithium, and abilify at me like M&M's and diagnosed me with a lot of major psychotic illnesses.  Which the trip to that clinic in California ruled out.

Girls, before you check yourself into the psych unit, consider estrogen, the wonder drug.

I worked last night and work again today, so I'm taking it slow and easy with Bill (off today) bustling circles around me.