Sunday, December 14, 2008

My Mother is Dying

Well, we're all dying, really. But Mom is a little nearer to it than some of us. She's been in the ER twice in two months and last month she did actually die and they rescessitated her, how the hell do you spell that?

They did x-rays and CT scans and found that she has broken all but four of the bones in her spine and she's in a bucket of trouble. She's in so much pain. There's nothing they can do for her, but drug her to the gills.

So I took her back to the rest home with instructions not to let her get up without help, and give her any good drugs she wants. Perhaps she'll just sleep until she dies. There's a chance her back will heal enough for her to get up again, but her bones are made of china and she will certainly just fall again. The doctor said she's at least 6 inches than she was when she was in her prime. She's 4'8" and she's lost so much weight it's painful beyond belief just to get a shot.

I told the rest home that no matter what, I don't want her to suffer. I know what I'm talking about. I know I'm talking about snowing her. But the pain the doctor described to me just really beat me up, let alone my mom and she was in major pain yesterday. They could barely get on top of it with Dilaudid.

I'm praying she will go quietly in her sleep after Christmas. I know I sound cold as hell, but I will just die myself if I end up having to do a funeral before Christmas.

However, I'll take any option that gets her out of this pain. You guys, I'm the last person you want around if you're in deep pain or if you're bleeding. I simply completely panic. I was frantic yesterday as I drove her to the hospital (they should have sent her in an ambulance)---so frantic I was calling her "Mommy" "Oh, Mommy, I'm hurrying."

And she won't go into a hospital again. There's nothing they can do for her. Nothing, except traumatize her and scare her. That's something I never expected---that they could do nothing. I wasn't prepared for this. But I'm getting with her doctor and making sure she dies free of discomfort. Utah is good that way.


lifeinredshoes said...

My Mother passed away 2 years ago December 27. She had been in a nursing home for 10 years. She also had osteoperosis and was in constant pain. When we asked them to keep her pain free, which was most of that 10 years, they told us that she would get addicted to the meds! I was furious, she was in a holding tank for death, it wasn't like she was going to get better. Once they began giving her Oxycontin she was so much better. She started eating again and was always happy (no wonder people steal the stuff!)For the last 3 months we had hospice come in, her care improved and we were able to have some very candid talks about death. People would say they felt bad, that her dying had ruined my holidays, but you know what, there will always be another Christmas, never another Mom. I was with when she took her last breath, holding her hand and telling her it was OK to go, we would be fine. I would'nt have had it any other way. Bless you.

annegb said...

She died peacefully this morning at 9 am. Thank God it's over, even with the morphine, it was awful. Dying is a bit like laboring to give birth. She sort of pulled inside herself and labored. Thank God for hospice, I questioned myself so many times in the last few days, thinking "what if it's not her time and I'm killing her?" Now I know she's finally at peace.

amyf4 said...

I noticed your mother's obit and I just wanted to let you know that we are thinking of you and I am glad she found enough peace to go. She is in such a better place now. Hope your Holidays go smooth. Lots of Love!

lifeinredshoes said...

I just read of your Mothers passing. May you find peace and comfort at this time, I know I do.

Bookslinger said...

Condolences on the passing of your mother.

lifeinredshoes said...

It's been almost a month, we need an update!