My Mother is Dying

Well, we're all dying, really. But Mom is a little nearer to it than some of us. She's been in the ER twice in two months and last month she did actually die and they rescessitated her, how the hell do you spell that?

They did x-rays and CT scans and found that she has broken all but four of the bones in her spine and she's in a bucket of trouble. She's in so much pain. There's nothing they can do for her, but drug her to the gills.

So I took her back to the rest home with instructions not to let her get up without help, and give her any good drugs she wants. Perhaps she'll just sleep until she dies. There's a chance her back will heal enough for her to get up again, but her bones are made of china and she will certainly just fall again. The doctor said she's at least 6 inches than she was when she was in her prime. She's 4'8" and she's lost so much weight it's painful beyond belief just to get a shot.

I told the rest home that no matter what, I don't want her to suffer. I know what I'm talking about. I know I'm talking about snowing her. But the pain the doctor described to me just really beat me up, let alone my mom and she was in major pain yesterday. They could barely get on top of it with Dilaudid.

I'm praying she will go quietly in her sleep after Christmas. I know I sound cold as hell, but I will just die myself if I end up having to do a funeral before Christmas.

However, I'll take any option that gets her out of this pain. You guys, I'm the last person you want around if you're in deep pain or if you're bleeding. I simply completely panic. I was frantic yesterday as I drove her to the hospital (they should have sent her in an ambulance)---so frantic I was calling her "Mommy" "Oh, Mommy, I'm hurrying."

And she won't go into a hospital again. There's nothing they can do for her. Nothing, except traumatize her and scare her. That's something I never expected---that they could do nothing. I wasn't prepared for this. But I'm getting with her doctor and making sure she dies free of discomfort. Utah is good that way.

The Good Life

Before Bill and I went belly up, we'd have a really good day occasionally. Maybe it would be late summer, when we had our little granddaughters and they'd be playing in the back yard and the light would be golden and we'd be looking at all our tomatoes and enjoying the day---and we'd look at each other and say, "we have a good life."

I was thinking the other day what an awful life I had, what with the alcoholism and poverty and abuse and deaths, etc. It really reads like something out of a Catherine Cookson novel. And I was feeling sorry for myself that I had this awful life and truly I'm so unique and special because I've suffered so.

Then the thought came to me, just as I was shaking the 400 count snow white sheets onto my comfy bed in my pretty blue room that's all shabby chic and also has my own private satellite hookup, DVD player, a jewelry box full of pretties, the small air conditioning unit which cools me and helps me sleep and a closet full of great clothes, shoes, and purses and God smacked me up the side of the head.

I'm blessed. I have healthy kids and grandkids who are all such persons, such personality, wit and charm, and beauty. My good-looking, hard-working husband loves me, despite all I've put him through, I still have my looks---not to brag, but I think I probably look about ten years younger than I am (thanks to not smoking, avoiding the sun, and a truly Oscar-worthy hairdresser, oh---not to mention expensive skin products and makeup), if not my health and my brain is starting to return. I have a warm comfortable home and a million friends (who I've been begging to go away); a safe life in one of the safest parts of the world, let alone the US!

I have a really good extra large washer and dryer---my mother only had a wringer washer once and the rest of the time, we trucked to the laundromat or often washed in a tin tub on a washboard with water heated on the coal stove. I have all the conveniences---oh! I have a Dyson!

I have a Dell LOL---and a Blackberry and a digital camera---and a printer that copies in color and makes photos, geez, that used to be only a dream! I have a really good car, a 2003 Buick with only 50,000 miles on it, that gets 30 mpg highway! I have good credit and a mostly good name (although I'm pretty famous for being a troublemaker); Bill and I are respected and liked in our community. I have an interesting job with benefits for a company that values its employees.

I have so much materially and spiritually and substantively. What am I thinking, I'm deprived???